Talking to Your Parents about Assisted Living

You are worried about Mom or Dad.  The house is not as clean as it used to be.  They are losing weight.  They can no longer do tasks they used to be able to do and are leaning on you more and more for everyday chores.

Sound familiar?  While there are a few adult children who have the time and energy to rise to this task, many do not.  Our parents are living longer than any previous generation, and it is not uncommon that an adult child in their 50s or 60s is expected to jump back into a caregiver role.  This can be truly exhausting.  And you are worried that you are not doing enough.  You set up mom’s pills, but she still has to take them correctly – and it usually looks like she isn’t.  You have gotten a toilet riser and shower grabs bars for Dad, but you still notice his hygiene is going downhill.

You suspect it is time for “the conversation” but you don’t know how to begin.  Here are a few tips to help you get started:

Try to get all the siblings on the same page.  Talk with your brothers and sisters and see if they have noticed the things you are seeing.  Find out what their concerns are. You may get a little pushback from those who are out of town, but you need to be honest with them about what is going on.  And, you need to be honest about your own capabilities.  A sibling may want to argue with you about your parent’s health.  But it is harder for them to argue with you about your health: “I simply could not pick up mom if she fell going into the hairdresser; my doctor says I need a knee replacement.”  If a far-away sibling thinks you are not “doing enough,” politely invite them to move back home and take care of Mom.  Or tell them you would be happy to arrange for Dad to come live with them for an extended vacation.  That usually brings a little reality back to the situation.

Do your homework.  Check out some assisted living facilities in your area before talking with Mom and/or Dad.  Make sure you know what they offer and be ready to point out the advantages of assisted living.  If you know a little about their finances, make sure you are looking at places within their price range.

Focus on your observations.  It can be helpful to write these down.  Stick with the facts.  What you have seen, what you have heard, etc.  But also be honest about your feelings of worry.  Make sure your parents understand that you are talking with them about this out of concern.  And also be honest and firm about what you can realistically continue to do.  If they have needs you cannot meet, they will need to seek private help such as a homemaker service or home care agency.  It is ok to have these things written down so that you can touch on every point, but don’t just read the list.  Aim for a conversation.

Be sensitive and choose a good time.  If mom is usually tired in the afternoon, talk with her in the morning. Remember this could be a sensitive subject.  Many seniors are fearful of losing their independence.  Stress how much-assisted living can actually help them gain their independence back.  For many women, a facility with a hair salon is a huge plus.  They are no longer dependent on their children for transportation and they do not need to coordinate around someone else’s schedule.  For many men, the opportunity to “hang out with the guys” for morning coffee and the newspaper no longer requires the hassle of driving, it can be done right in the dining room.

Listen to your parent’s concerns.  This subject will likely bring up a lot of emotion.  Be prepared for this emotion and be ready to accept it with compassion.  They may need to talk or cry for quite a while.  They could get mad.  But it is important that you stay calm and, reiterate that you are just sharing what you have seen, and this comes from a place of love.  Acknowledge that they may be sad, hate aging, or don’t want to feel like a burden.  Let them know that those feelings are perfectly normal.  But aging happens and you need to be prepared.  Your parents probably taught you a lot about how to live, how to manage your life, how to be successful, and how to take care of yourself.  Let them know that you are using the skills they taught you when you are having this difficult conversation.

Make a plan. Depending on the willingness of your parents, it may take several conversations.  You may decide to take a step back for a while, but let them know you will bring up the subject again.  Ask them to just think about it for a while and let the idea settle in.  Many parents, however, are actually relieved by this conversation and glad they did not have to initiate it.  If they are ready to at least think about some other kind of living arrangement, contact local facilities and arrange some tours with them.  At SpringBrook, we can accommodate tours at almost any time. Additionally, our Housing Manager, Stephanie, and Executive Director, Marci have years of experience helping families navigate this transition.  If you need someone to talk with about this situation, do not hesitate to call us at 608-783-2292.