Enjoying the Holidays with a Loved One who has Dementia
Enjoying the Holidays with a Loved One who has Dementia
If you are caring for, or plan to spend the holidays with a person with dementia, you may be worried about how the festivities will go. To create a more enjoyable, stress-free holiday celebration for everyone, consider implementing some or all of the following tips:
- Smaller, simpler, shorter
Identify the essentials, but eliminate the rest. If Dad’s favorite parts of Christmas were always the meal and the singing, but he couldn’t stand the chaos of opening presents, eliminate the gift-giving. You can do it at another time when Dad is not around. By shortening or eliminating some traditions, even long-held ones, you gain the chance to have a celebration that will be more joyful for the person with dementia. This will make the celebration more enjoyable and meaningful for all involved.
- Use retained abilities
The holidays can be an opportunity for you to engage your person living with dementia using the abilities they still possess. Create simple moments of joy by using photos or other images to talk about stories, memories, or the season itself. As an example, you may pull out an old photo book and say something like “Hey mom, look what I just found – some childhood photos of yours. Is that girl here your friend Ruth, or someone else?”
- Be ready to hear the same story multiple times
Have you heard your loved one’s stories many times? While it can be tedious, it is important to realize that reminiscing and telling these stories is actually good for the person living with dementia. When they reminisce, it fires up the person’s brain cells and helps keep them alive and functioning longer. In addition, as the disease progresses, the person will lose their ability to tell you these stories. However, knowing these stories will provide you with an opportunity to continue to connect with the person as time goes on. It may be that you are telling the story next year so that your loved one can simply nod and smile.
- Avoid direct corrections
When communicating with your loved one with dementia, remember that is it not important if you are “right” or not. That is not what communication is about. Being told “that’s not how it went” puts even those of us with healthy brains on the defensive. If no one suffers real harm from an incorrect comment, does it really matter? Realize that when a person is living with dementia, their brain is chemically and structurally changing. The brain may no longer be able to correctly recall a memory, and will instead fill its gaps with information that may not be accurate. To the person with dementia, this false memory seems as real as any. They are not lying to you; their brain is lying to them. So, if the person living with dementia says something incorrectly, learn to let it go and just enjoy the moment of conversation with the person instead.
- Accept general comments
As a person is living with dementia, their communication will become vaguer as the disease progresses. As a family member, it is important to remember that they’re doing the best they can with what they have left. Avoid asking open-ended questions like “which decorations would you like on the Christmas tree this year, Mom?” Instead, use “this or that,” or “this or something else” choices when communicating. A question such as “Mom, would you prefer the white or the red lights on the tree this year?” will be much easier for the person to answer. By using this technique you are letting them know their opinion is important, but you are not overwhelming them with questions that are too complicated to answer. To help your loved one, even more, consider giving a visual cue by pointing at the white and red lights while you mention them.
- Give room to get away if needed
When a person is living with dementia, the hustle and bustle of holiday celebrations can get particularly overwhelming. If you have other family members or friends visiting, consider letting your person living with dementia sit on the edge of the table. This way, the person may only have one person talk to them at a time for less sensory input, and give them space to get away if it becomes too much or they get tired. In addition, consider where in your home you can offer a quiet space for the person to get away to or spend a little time to quietly relax and recharge.
Conclusion
The holiday season can be stressful even when dementia isn’t part of life. If, however, a person you care about is living with the condition, making some of the changes suggested above may help to create a more peaceful and enjoyable holiday for everyone. Although your holiday celebration may be different, you will likely be creating some special moments of joy for your loved one – which is what the holiday season is really about.
This post has been adapted from an article by Valerie Feurich from Teepa Snow’s website, A Positive Approach to Care (www.teepasnow.com).